Butterball
Transcript dot com chips and salsa intro Greetings wheezies, it's September 24th. on the window: "NEW LAMP!" What? turns around to look at the window Oh yeah! I got a new lamp. over footage of the lamp - in a wig - and Craig dancing together, spinning each other in the kitchen Lamp be a lady tonight. Lamp be a lady tonight. throat In the comments, jennifriend writes "whats your favorite thing about butter?" Good question, jennifriend. Because of your comment, I now declare September 24th 'butterday.' unwraps a stick of butter and the title BUTTERDAY is superimposed over it. Things I like about butter. Butter is not a terrorist. of Osama bin Laden Also butter does not look like this. of Goldie Hawn And butter does not try to rob me. Source: O.J. Simpson arrested in armed robbery probe Or kill me and get away with it. mugshot picture and him putting on gloves in court Careful. Don't eat too much butter like this guy seems to have. by side pictures of OJ's mugshot and a recent picture of OJ labeled 'before' and 'after' And so has this morbidly obese girl. of Britney Spears performing at the VMAs Eww gross. of her tummy This healthy young starlet has the right idea though. of Kiera Knightley OJ is today's winner of the triple danzig award. I made fun of him for these three things. on screen: -robbery, -murder, -fatness sound effects of ka-ching, gunshot, and a mooing cow Also with butter you can do these things: the Butter and Potatoes. drops butter into his pants Slip 'N Slide. throws a stick of butter and leaps to slide over it Pipe Greaser. inserts a large block of butter into his mouth and begins chewing Get Buttered! wipes butter all over his face and beard and the Tension Melter. throws butter at a tree. Brought to you by Budweiser. the Budweiser sign over Wheezy's head as he throws butter at the tree Well, I guess that wraps up our show. enters the frame: Hey! You look like you got some sun. Where you been? Oh. I found myself in the suburbs a few days ago filming some baseball recruitment videos. You wanna see some footage? Clone: Does this mean this is another baseball-themed movie? Take me out to the ballgame indeed. shakes his head: You're gay. begins over footage of Craig lying in the street with his head in the gutter It was an average morning. Or so I thought. Where the hell was I? Lisle, Illinois. The suburbs! I came upon a strange field where kids were throwing a ball around. Is this Field of Dreams? This kid had good form and though his speed was a sexual position speed of 69 It was unimpressive. I could do better. throws a pitch. Catcher catches a pitch. The number 96 is superimposed over the speed box. Ohhhh hmmmm some coaches taking notes. Craig throws a pitch. Catcher catches a pitch. The number 99 is superimposed over the speed box. of a gasp and an unidentified guy gapes in surprise. Craig throws a pitch. Catcher catches a pitch. The number 40 is superimposed over the speed box. That number then becomes 140 with a ka-ching sound effect. More gasping and whoa-ing. Ashleigh is shown swooning. Now it was time to get super serious and play a real game. Hey Tim. More bounce! Tim: Eat a dick, Craig. Obligatory staredown with the batter. the pitcher stares at Craig the batter, who sneers. And the pitch. swings and hits. Going, going, got it. leaps in the air to catch the ball. First out. Ashleigh jumps up and down. Another unidentified guy makes the out signal. Craig swings, hits, drops bat, and starts running. Grounder to the pitcher. the pitcher picks up the ball, throws it to Craig on first base just before Craig the batter runs to the base. Second out. guy gapes in surprise. Aaaaand the batter swings and hits. Craig catches it. Game over. (ding) applause on screen: 2nd Half Executively Produced by Tim Ferrin on screen: Special Thanks to Nick Ferrin, Ashleigh Moyer, and Dunk dot com outro of Wheezy attempting to pick up a ball in his mitt and immediately dropping it. Unidentified guy holding speedometer thingy up to Wheezy's face speaks: Wow. You must go through a lot of razors. nods. Recurring themes wheezies, "danzig!", wink Guests Ashleigh, Tim